My Nigerian landlord

It can be difficult to rent an apartment in downtown Vancouver. In spite of anti-discrimination laws, many landlords continue to turn applicants away for the most dubious of reasons.

But it is heartening to know they aren’t all bad. In fact, many Nigerian landlords on Craigslist not only rent premium Vancouver properties at significantly below market rates, but also rent to pretty much anyone. Including me. And believe me, I am not the sort most landlords embrace.

Consider this actual correspondence I had with a Nigerian landlord I queried on Craigslist last week:

From: mike Harr
Subject: $799 - 1 bedroom apartment ready for rent fast!!!!!!
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:42

Hello, Thank you for the response and interest shown. I Mr Harr Mike I owned the Good Looking Apartment with hydro,heat,laundry facilities,Air condition,internet and phone line.And I also want you to know that it was due to my missionary work transfer to West Africa in Nigeria, that made me and my Wife to leave the house with an intention of giving it out for rent.

I am looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of it as we are not after the money for the rent but want the property to be kept clean at the time as it is our hard-earned property.

The house is for sale before we left to West Africa but now my Wife and I decided to rent it out to good tenant. Presently,We are here in West Africa in Nigeria doing the Lord's duty for humanity,for through our direct service to mankind,the blessings and promises of God will manifest today.

The house vital informative documents and the entrance keys to the house are with me, for we try to look for dependable agent to handle the rent but could not find due to the limited time we had before We left.

Mostly we do not want our property to be given to any sort of person to avoid damages and troubles. my Wife and I came over to Nigeria for a missionary work, so i hope you will promise us to take very good care of the house.

So get back to me on how you could take care of our house or perhaps the experience and your present living condition.

The monthly rent fee with a lease term of 6 months-2 years.I am looking forward to hear from you ASAP so that i can forward you an application to fill out and discuss on how to get the house for rent,Await your reply.

Thanks
Harr Mike

To: mike Harr
Subject: Re: $799 - 1 bedroom apartment ready for rent fast!!!!!!
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 2009 12:00

Dear Mr Harr Mike,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am interested in renting the Good Looking Apartment you owned.

I understand your desire not to rent your hard-earned property to any sort of person, and let me assure you that I am exactly the sort of person you are concerned about. If you rent to me, I guarantee that the premises will be returned to you severely damaged, probably beyond repair.

As for how I would take care of your home, I have always believed that if it ain’t broken, break it. I take pride in my absolute repudiation of maintenance and hygiene, which includes the sabotaging of all appliances, the plugging of all outgoing plumbing, and the strict retention of all household garbage. I’d also like to smear the walls and ceilings with excrement if that’s OK. ;)

As for my experience and present living conditions, I currently reside in a mausoleum, but looking to move as it’s in a pretty dead neighbourhood. Over the past decade I have rented dozens of properties, all of which required immediate demolition after my departure due to structural and biohazard issues. I will be happy to provide references who will confirm that I am the last person to whom you should entrust your beloved home!

Finally, thanks for mentioning three times that you and your Wife are Christian missionaries—good for you! ;) I’d like you to know that I am a devotee of the Good Lord’s dark nemesis, and have dedicated my life to thwarting Christians whenever possible. In fact, it is my intention to host weekly Bible study groups in your home, to which I will lure unsuspecting young Christians, slay them and take black communion with their flesh and blood. I trust this is acceptable to you? ;)

Thank you for your attention. If you think I will be an ideal tenant, please forward your application form ASAP.

Sincerely,
Glen Callender UFA

From: mike Harr
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:52

Looking forward to hear from you with all this form details so that i can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt for you and contacting you.Await your urgent reply take a look at the house so that we can discuss on how to get the document and the key to you,please we are giving you all this base on trust and again i will want you to stick to your words as you know that we have not see each other yet but only putting everything into Gods hand. So please do not let us down in the up-keep of our property and God bless you more as you do this.

Thanks,
Await your reply.
Mr Harr Mike

Wow, that was easy! All I have to do is wire my first month’s rent to Nigeria, and Mr Harr Mike will send me the keys on receipt. Praise the Lord for landlords like him!

Mr Harr Mike turned out to be such a nice guy that I actually feel a bit bad for not being completely honest with him. You see, for fear of being rejected, I failed to mention that I have an adorable little two-year-old cat named Milo that is very, very quiet and never sprays. Fingers crossed.