The grandest of hams

Earlier today I stumbled upon the greatest deal on ham I have ever seen:

That’s right, President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham is on sale at $8.80 per kilo, discounted an unbelievable $991.19 off its regular price of $999.99. Apparently the current recession has decimated the Vermont luxury ham industry, forcing producers to slash prices and sell their wares downmarket. Way downmarket.

But what are we mere mortals to make of this high-end hog, this porkus maximus, this pearl of swine? What, we ask, is so phenomenal about this ham that it commands this extraordinary price?

Here’s the official product description for President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham, as seen on their web site:

Our ham starts—as all ham must—with a pig. But you’ll never taste a pig as opulent and voluptuous as our exclusive breed, a pinnacle of porcine perfection that has been well hidden behind the walls of aristocratic society for over 600 years.

Each pig is genetically tested at birth, and over 90 per cent are immediately rejected for not being in the top 10 per cent. The remaining pigs then grow to maturity in a stimulating, antibiotic-free-roaming environment where they get regular exercise, have the opportunity to participate in team sports, and enjoy a varied activity schedule including nightly entertainment and instruction in the arts.

They eat from troughs made from exquisite European oak, into which are slopped fine organic produce from our own, purpose-built plantations, mixed with highest-quality kitchen waste flown direct from the mansions of the world’s top billionaires. These pampered swine (the pigs, not the billionaires) drink only the purest Antarctic glacier water, which, as it was frozen thousands of years ago, contains none of the pollutants of the industrial age.

When they reach slaughter weight, each pig undergoes a rigorous series of physical and psychological tests, and again, over 90 per cent are rejected. Then they are gently helicoptered over to Europe, where they are slaughtered in the most splendid Italian abattoirs, after which they are gently helicoptered back to Vermont.

You can be assured that our slaughtering process is very humane and enjoyable for the pig—so much so, in fact, that the pig is completely unaware that it is being slaughtered. As a result, we guarantee that each and every one of our hams believes it is still alive.

Throughout the production process the meat is treated with utmost reverence and respect—in fact, we are the only facility in the world that forbids its staff to speak aloud in the presence of the ham. Over a period of five years each ham is lovingly brined, salted, smoked and glazed with excruciating craftspersonship and attention to detail, using only the most irreproachable secret ingredients, secret equipment and secret techniques.

Finally, each ham is carefully extracted from the production floor like a delicate and precious newborn in the strong yet tender hands of a master obstetrician. Over 90 per cent of the finished hams are then rejected, and the rest are distributed to our exclusive clientele, whose identities are concealed from all but the unexcluded.

A remarkable process, certainly. But is the end product truly worth $999.99 a kilo? Consider this review from Swine Aficionado Magazine:

Move over Manuel Maldonado, because this swiney surprise from Vermont makes the finest, $200 per kilo Iberian hams taste like pig shit in comparison. It is said that the mere scent of President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham causes even the most ardent Jews and Muslims to renounce their faith, and makes vegetarians of all stripes blush in embarrassment.

As for its flavour, this may be the first gourmet ham to capture the essence of not only a pig’s leg, but also its soul. Place a wafer-thin slice on your tongue and you will actually feel as if you knew the pig—its life, its loves, its dreams and ambitions—and your empathy for this beautiful animal will come into such conflict with your intense, visceral enjoyment of its naturally-smoked flesh that you will experience a full-blown existential crisis in olfactory form.

Then you sink your teeth in, and the doors to total self-awareness burst open, laying bare the stark extremes that lurk within us all—the infinite compassion of a Dalai Lama, the brainless bloodlust of a tiger leech—and somehow the act of chewing and swallowing this presidential ham compels these two polarities to clash in your psyche, bare-knuckled, until both are exhausted… and then, with their final vestiges of energy, entwine their battered bodies and make the tenderest of love.

Verily, every morsel of President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham is a tragic opera of unimaginable beauty, where, after your shuddering, soul-rending catharsis, your first and only thought is that you want to experience it all over again. Best enjoyed with a $1500 bottle of Château Pétrus, a $750 Gurkha cigar and a $500 per hour prostitute lapping at your genitals under the table.

This incomparable delicacy is usually “hogged” by the ultra-elite, but if you can afford the asking price we think you’ll find it’s never a “boar.”

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I think this product just might be worth a taste. So if you want to enjoy one of the world’s most exclusive hams at bargain-basement prices, hurry down to Dennis’ No Frills supermarket on Denman Street. Quantities are strictly limited, because at this price, you’ll want to pig out.