Lights up. Boyfriend, a clean-cut man in his twenties, is settling down on his living room sofa with two guests, Mother and Father, a cheerful couple in their late fifties. Father wears a conservative cap and argyle sweater. Mother wears a perm and frumpy beige blouse. All three are wearing nondescript slacks and unfashionable eyeglasses.
Father: So what can we do for you, young man?
Boyfriend: Well sir, I want to tell you that I proposed to your daughter last night, [Mother and Father smile and coo] and before we formally announce our engagement, I’d like to ask for your blessing.
Father: [thoughtfully] Well son, we’ve got to know you pretty well over the past three years, and we like you. We like you a lot. And there’s nothing we’d like more than to give you our blessing.
Boyfriend: Oh thank you, sir! Thank….
Father: But first, there’s just one little thing we need to do.
Boyfriend: Oh, sure sir, anything.
Father: Great. We need to take a look at your pornography collection.
Boyfriend: [taken aback] What?! I, uh….
Father: Come on son, don’t play coy with us. Nowadays every young man has a pornography collection, doesn’t he?
Boyfriend: Well, uh, I guess so.
Mother: And call us old-fashioned, but we believe loving parents should never bless their daughter’s union until they’ve given her fiance’s pornography a thorough rifling.
Boyfriend: [bewildered] Uhhh….
Father: Think of it as us getting to know you better. We both know that a man’s true nature is revealed in the porn he watches when he’s home alone with a few drinks in him, am I right or am I right? [playfully pokes Boyfriend in the arm]
Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Father: So crack out the pornography, young man!
Mother: Yes, crack that pornography on out. Don’t worry dear, I’m sure it’ll be just fine.
Boyfriend hesitantly exits and returns with a large cardboard box full of DVDs. He sits between Mother and Father with the box on his lap, and they rummage through it. The DVD cases are indistinct, giving no hint as to style or genre.
Father: Hmmm, there are quite a few discs here, quite a few indeed…. Now this one looks pretty well-viewed. Is this your favourite, son?
Boyfriend: [apprehensively] Yes, that’s the one I usually watch sir, it’s my, uh, favourite by a mile…. [he laughs nervously; Father and Mother giggle sympathetically]
Father: Well then, let’s give it a gander.
Boyfriend: [flummoxed] Well, um, okay.
Boyfriend inserts the disc into the player. We hear low music and moans. Mother and Father frown critically. Several seconds pass.
Father: [brusquely] So this is the kind of thing you like, hm? This is what you watch when our daughter is absent?
Boyfriend: [embarrassed] Yes sir. It is.
Father: Well let me tell you, son, this is the kind of pornography we’d want our son-in-law to enjoy! Isn’t that right, dear?
Mother: That’s right! [affectionately grabs Boyfriend’s knee] This pornography is just lovely, dear. Ah, how nice. This is exactly the sort of pornography a young man like you should be watching at this time in his life.
Father: Absolutely. This, I daresay, is the pornography of a young man who’s destined to become a successful husband and father! [affectionately musses Boyfriend’s hair] I’m proud of you, son.
Boyfriend: Thank you sir.
Mother: Oh, we always hoped our daughter would marry a man who watches pornography just like this. And let me tell you, our hopes weren’t high. No, we thought she’d probably end up with a man who likes this... [she pulls a DVD case out of her purse and shows it to Boyfriend, who cringes in disgust] ...or this... [another disc, Boyfriend is appalled] ...or this... [yet another disc, Boyfriend almost hides his face] ...but we never in our wildest dreams thought she’d find a man who likes this! [grandly gestures to the TV]
Father: Yes, son, that’s the kind of intercourse our little angel deserves! And if our baby girl is half as attentive as the fine young lady in this pornographic film, I think you’ll be very happy as well! [chummy shoulder poke]
Boyfriend: Yes sir, thank you sir.
Father: So, son, is this how you minister to our little lady in the boudoir?
Boyfriend: Uh, well, not quite sir, but, uh, I try sir.
Father: Well son, that’s what quality pornography like this is all about. You just keep on watching, and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot. In fact, if you don’t mind, I have some classic pornography I’d like to show you…. [pulls an incongruously large stack of DVDs out of his jacket]
Mother: Oh no dear. Let’s not meddle in his bedroom affairs.
Father: Oh, ha ha, I guess you’re right honey, he’s from a different generation, isn’t he? He wouldn’t be interested in the moldy old skin flicks that got us all hot and bothered back in the day. Besides, this young man has already done an exemplary job with his selections, hasn’t he?
Mother: Yes, he’s done a splendid….
Girlfriend enters, arriving home from work. Father and Mother leap up and embrace her.
Father: And here she is! Congratulations darling, we’re so happy that you’re marrying this fine young gentleman!”
Mother: We want you to know we love your fiancée and his pornography very, very much, and we think you’ll be very happy together!
Girlfriend: [hestitantly] You love… all of his porn? Even his, uh, favourite one?
Mother: Especially that one, my darling. Especially that one.
Girlfriend: [tearfully] Oh, thank you Mom and Dad! I didn’t think you’d understand! [everyone hugs emotionally]
Mother: Look! A new scene is starting. Let’s all watch it together!
All: Yes, let’s!
They enthusiastically assemble on the sofa and the lights fade, leaving us with no answer to the burning question, “what kind of porn are they watching?” But, dear reader, is not the answer to that question as true as anything we can conjure in our imaginations?