Her parents’ blessing

Lights up. Boyfriend, a clean-cut man in his twenties, is settling down on his living room sofa with two guests, Mother and Father, a cheerful couple in their late fifties. Father wears a conservative cap and argyle sweater. Mother wears a perm and frumpy beige blouse. All three are wearing nondescript slacks and unfashionable eyeglasses.

Father: So what can we do for you, young man?

Boyfriend: Well sir, I want to tell you that I proposed to your daughter last night, [Mother and Father smile and coo] and before we formally announce our engagement, I’d like to ask for your blessing.

Father: [thoughtfully] Well son, we’ve got to know you pretty well over the past three years, and we like you. We like you a lot. And there’s nothing we’d like more than to give you our blessing.

Boyfriend: Oh thank you, sir! Thank….

Father: But first, there’s just one little thing we need to do.

Boyfriend: Oh, sure sir, anything.

Father: Great. We need to take a look at your pornography collection.

Boyfriend: [taken aback] What?! I, uh….

Father: Come on son, don’t play coy with us. Nowadays every young man has a pornography collection, doesn’t he?

Boyfriend: Well, uh, I guess so.

Mother: And call us old-fashioned, but we believe loving parents should never bless their daughter’s union until they’ve given her fiance’s pornography a thorough rifling.

Boyfriend: [bewildered] Uhhh….

Father: Think of it as us getting to know you better. We both know that a man’s true nature is revealed in the porn he watches when he’s home alone with a few drinks in him, am I right or am I right? [playfully pokes Boyfriend in the arm]

Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Father: So crack out the pornography, young man!

Mother: Yes, crack that pornography on out. Don’t worry dear, I’m sure it’ll be just fine.

Boyfriend hesitantly exits and returns with a large cardboard box full of DVDs. He sits between Mother and Father with the box on his lap, and they rummage through it. The DVD cases are indistinct, giving no hint as to style or genre.

Father: Hmmm, there are quite a few discs here, quite a few indeed…. Now this one looks pretty well-viewed. Is this your favourite, son?

Boyfriend: [apprehensively] Yes, that’s the one I usually watch sir, it’s my, uh, favourite by a mile…. [he laughs nervously; Father and Mother giggle sympathetically]

Father: Well then, let’s give it a gander.

Boyfriend: [flummoxed] Well, um, okay.

Boyfriend inserts the disc into the player. We hear low music and moans. Mother and Father frown critically. Several seconds pass.

Father: [brusquely] So this is the kind of thing you like, hm? This is what you watch when our daughter is absent?

Boyfriend: [embarrassed] Yes sir. It is.

Father: Well let me tell you, son, this is the kind of pornography we’d want our son-in-law to enjoy! Isn’t that right, dear?

Mother: That’s right! [affectionately grabs Boyfriend’s knee] This pornography is just lovely, dear. Ah, how nice. This is exactly the sort of pornography a young man like you should be watching at this time in his life.

Father: Absolutely. This, I daresay, is the pornography of a young man who’s destined to become a successful husband and father! [affectionately musses Boyfriend’s hair] I’m proud of you, son.

Boyfriend: Thank you sir.

Mother: Oh, we always hoped our daughter would marry a man who watches pornography just like this. And let me tell you, our hopes weren’t high. No, we thought she’d probably end up with a man who likes this... [she pulls a DVD case out of her purse and shows it to Boyfriend, who cringes in disgust] ...or this... [another disc, Boyfriend is appalled] ...or this... [yet another disc, Boyfriend almost hides his face] ...but we never in our wildest dreams thought she’d find a man who likes this! [grandly gestures to the TV]

Father: Yes, son, that’s the kind of intercourse our little angel deserves! And if our baby girl is half as attentive as the fine young lady in this pornographic film, I think you’ll be very happy as well! [chummy shoulder poke]

Boyfriend: Yes sir, thank you sir.

Father: So, son, is this how you minister to our little lady in the boudoir?

Boyfriend: Uh, well, not quite sir, but, uh, I try sir.

Father: Well son, that’s what quality pornography like this is all about. You just keep on watching, and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot. In fact, if you don’t mind, I have some classic pornography I’d like to show you…. [pulls an incongruously large stack of DVDs out of his jacket]

Mother: Oh no dear. Let’s not meddle in his bedroom affairs.

Father: Oh, ha ha, I guess you’re right honey, he’s from a different generation, isn’t he? He wouldn’t be interested in the moldy old skin flicks that got us all hot and bothered back in the day. Besides, this young man has already done an exemplary job with his selections, hasn’t he?

Mother: Yes, he’s done a splendid….

Girlfriend enters, arriving home from work. Father and Mother leap up and embrace her.

Father: And here she is! Congratulations darling, we’re so happy that you’re marrying this fine young gentleman!”

Mother: We want you to know we love your fiancée and his pornography very, very much, and we think you’ll be very happy together!

Girlfriend: [hestitantly] You love… all of his porn? Even his, uh, favourite one?

Mother: Especially that one, my darling. Especially that one.

Girlfriend: [tearfully] Oh, thank you Mom and Dad! I didn’t think you’d understand! [everyone hugs emotionally]

Mother: Look! A new scene is starting. Let’s all watch it together!

All: Yes, let’s!

They enthusiastically assemble on the sofa and the lights fade, leaving us with no answer to the burning question, “what kind of porn are they watching?” But, dear reader, is not the answer to that question as true as anything we can conjure in our imaginations?

My Nigerian landlord

It can be difficult to rent an apartment in downtown Vancouver. In spite of anti-discrimination laws, many landlords continue to turn applicants away for the most dubious of reasons.

But it is heartening to know they aren’t all bad. In fact, many Nigerian landlords on Craigslist not only rent premium Vancouver properties at significantly below market rates, but also rent to pretty much anyone. Including me. And believe me, I am not the sort most landlords embrace.

Consider this actual correspondence I had with a Nigerian landlord I queried on Craigslist last week:

From: mike Harr
Subject: $799 - 1 bedroom apartment ready for rent fast!!!!!!
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:42

Hello, Thank you for the response and interest shown. I Mr Harr Mike I owned the Good Looking Apartment with hydro,heat,laundry facilities,Air condition,internet and phone line.And I also want you to know that it was due to my missionary work transfer to West Africa in Nigeria, that made me and my Wife to leave the house with an intention of giving it out for rent.

I am looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of it as we are not after the money for the rent but want the property to be kept clean at the time as it is our hard-earned property.

The house is for sale before we left to West Africa but now my Wife and I decided to rent it out to good tenant. Presently,We are here in West Africa in Nigeria doing the Lord's duty for humanity,for through our direct service to mankind,the blessings and promises of God will manifest today.

The house vital informative documents and the entrance keys to the house are with me, for we try to look for dependable agent to handle the rent but could not find due to the limited time we had before We left.

Mostly we do not want our property to be given to any sort of person to avoid damages and troubles. my Wife and I came over to Nigeria for a missionary work, so i hope you will promise us to take very good care of the house.

So get back to me on how you could take care of our house or perhaps the experience and your present living condition.

The monthly rent fee with a lease term of 6 months-2 years.I am looking forward to hear from you ASAP so that i can forward you an application to fill out and discuss on how to get the house for rent,Await your reply.

Thanks
Harr Mike

To: mike Harr
Subject: Re: $799 - 1 bedroom apartment ready for rent fast!!!!!!
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 2009 12:00

Dear Mr Harr Mike,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am interested in renting the Good Looking Apartment you owned.

I understand your desire not to rent your hard-earned property to any sort of person, and let me assure you that I am exactly the sort of person you are concerned about. If you rent to me, I guarantee that the premises will be returned to you severely damaged, probably beyond repair.

As for how I would take care of your home, I have always believed that if it ain’t broken, break it. I take pride in my absolute repudiation of maintenance and hygiene, which includes the sabotaging of all appliances, the plugging of all outgoing plumbing, and the strict retention of all household garbage. I’d also like to smear the walls and ceilings with excrement if that’s OK. ;)

As for my experience and present living conditions, I currently reside in a mausoleum, but looking to move as it’s in a pretty dead neighbourhood. Over the past decade I have rented dozens of properties, all of which required immediate demolition after my departure due to structural and biohazard issues. I will be happy to provide references who will confirm that I am the last person to whom you should entrust your beloved home!

Finally, thanks for mentioning three times that you and your Wife are Christian missionaries—good for you! ;) I’d like you to know that I am a devotee of the Good Lord’s dark nemesis, and have dedicated my life to thwarting Christians whenever possible. In fact, it is my intention to host weekly Bible study groups in your home, to which I will lure unsuspecting young Christians, slay them and take black communion with their flesh and blood. I trust this is acceptable to you? ;)

Thank you for your attention. If you think I will be an ideal tenant, please forward your application form ASAP.

Sincerely,
Glen Callender UFA

From: mike Harr
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:52

Looking forward to hear from you with all this form details so that i can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt for you and contacting you.Await your urgent reply take a look at the house so that we can discuss on how to get the document and the key to you,please we are giving you all this base on trust and again i will want you to stick to your words as you know that we have not see each other yet but only putting everything into Gods hand. So please do not let us down in the up-keep of our property and God bless you more as you do this.

Thanks,
Await your reply.
Mr Harr Mike

Wow, that was easy! All I have to do is wire my first month’s rent to Nigeria, and Mr Harr Mike will send me the keys on receipt. Praise the Lord for landlords like him!

Mr Harr Mike turned out to be such a nice guy that I actually feel a bit bad for not being completely honest with him. You see, for fear of being rejected, I failed to mention that I have an adorable little two-year-old cat named Milo that is very, very quiet and never sprays. Fingers crossed.

The grandest of hams

Earlier today I stumbled upon the greatest deal on ham I have ever seen:

That’s right, President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham is on sale at $8.80 per kilo, discounted an unbelievable $991.19 off its regular price of $999.99. Apparently the current recession has decimated the Vermont luxury ham industry, forcing producers to slash prices and sell their wares downmarket. Way downmarket.

But what are we mere mortals to make of this high-end hog, this porkus maximus, this pearl of swine? What, we ask, is so phenomenal about this ham that it commands this extraordinary price?

Here’s the official product description for President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham, as seen on their web site:

Our ham starts—as all ham must—with a pig. But you’ll never taste a pig as opulent and voluptuous as our exclusive breed, a pinnacle of porcine perfection that has been well hidden behind the walls of aristocratic society for over 600 years.

Each pig is genetically tested at birth, and over 90 per cent are immediately rejected for not being in the top 10 per cent. The remaining pigs then grow to maturity in a stimulating, antibiotic-free-roaming environment where they get regular exercise, have the opportunity to participate in team sports, and enjoy a varied activity schedule including nightly entertainment and instruction in the arts.

They eat from troughs made from exquisite European oak, into which are slopped fine organic produce from our own, purpose-built plantations, mixed with highest-quality kitchen waste flown direct from the mansions of the world’s top billionaires. These pampered swine (the pigs, not the billionaires) drink only the purest Antarctic glacier water, which, as it was frozen thousands of years ago, contains none of the pollutants of the industrial age.

When they reach slaughter weight, each pig undergoes a rigorous series of physical and psychological tests, and again, over 90 per cent are rejected. Then they are gently helicoptered over to Europe, where they are slaughtered in the most splendid Italian abattoirs, after which they are gently helicoptered back to Vermont.

You can be assured that our slaughtering process is very humane and enjoyable for the pig—so much so, in fact, that the pig is completely unaware that it is being slaughtered. As a result, we guarantee that each and every one of our hams believes it is still alive.

Throughout the production process the meat is treated with utmost reverence and respect—in fact, we are the only facility in the world that forbids its staff to speak aloud in the presence of the ham. Over a period of five years each ham is lovingly brined, salted, smoked and glazed with excruciating craftspersonship and attention to detail, using only the most irreproachable secret ingredients, secret equipment and secret techniques.

Finally, each ham is carefully extracted from the production floor like a delicate and precious newborn in the strong yet tender hands of a master obstetrician. Over 90 per cent of the finished hams are then rejected, and the rest are distributed to our exclusive clientele, whose identities are concealed from all but the unexcluded.

A remarkable process, certainly. But is the end product truly worth $999.99 a kilo? Consider this review from Swine Aficionado Magazine:

Move over Manuel Maldonado, because this swiney surprise from Vermont makes the finest, $200 per kilo Iberian hams taste like pig shit in comparison. It is said that the mere scent of President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham causes even the most ardent Jews and Muslims to renounce their faith, and makes vegetarians of all stripes blush in embarrassment.

As for its flavour, this may be the first gourmet ham to capture the essence of not only a pig’s leg, but also its soul. Place a wafer-thin slice on your tongue and you will actually feel as if you knew the pig—its life, its loves, its dreams and ambitions—and your empathy for this beautiful animal will come into such conflict with your intense, visceral enjoyment of its naturally-smoked flesh that you will experience a full-blown existential crisis in olfactory form.

Then you sink your teeth in, and the doors to total self-awareness burst open, laying bare the stark extremes that lurk within us all—the infinite compassion of a Dalai Lama, the brainless bloodlust of a tiger leech—and somehow the act of chewing and swallowing this presidential ham compels these two polarities to clash in your psyche, bare-knuckled, until both are exhausted… and then, with their final vestiges of energy, entwine their battered bodies and make the tenderest of love.

Verily, every morsel of President’s Choice Vermont-Style Ham is a tragic opera of unimaginable beauty, where, after your shuddering, soul-rending catharsis, your first and only thought is that you want to experience it all over again. Best enjoyed with a $1500 bottle of Château Pétrus, a $750 Gurkha cigar and a $500 per hour prostitute lapping at your genitals under the table.

This incomparable delicacy is usually “hogged” by the ultra-elite, but if you can afford the asking price we think you’ll find it’s never a “boar.”

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I think this product just might be worth a taste. So if you want to enjoy one of the world’s most exclusive hams at bargain-basement prices, hurry down to Dennis’ No Frills supermarket on Denman Street. Quantities are strictly limited, because at this price, you’ll want to pig out.

Where there’s smoke....

or “The Orgasmic Mr Fox”

On the afternoon of Wednesday March 25, I came across this shocking item on CBC.ca:

Undercover officer alleges XXX activity at porno theatre

An undercover police officer says that casual sex, prostitution and drug use are making Vancouver’s last XXX film theatre a health risk.

This comes as Vancouver’s licencing department prepares to debate the future of the pornographic establishment.

CBC News obtained a copy of an email to the city’s licensing department by Vancouver police Const. Mark Jarvie, who revealed that he went undercover at the Fox Cinema earlier this year.

As the movie screened, he watched men perform sexual acts on one another, female prostitutes with clients, and was himself approached and propositioned.

During a series of visits by police in uniform in 2008, Jarvie says officers witnessed sex acts, an overwhelming unpleasant pungent odour, puddles of body fluids and excrement, and even patrons smoking.

“My god,” I thought, my face flushing with indignant anger. “People are smoking in there? Disgusting.”

However, it must be said that if there’s one thing more dangerous than second-hand smoke in a porno house, it’s law enforcement personnel. When you open your fly in the presence of Vancouver’s finest, you could be taking your very life into your hands—given that an erect penis is long, hard, fits comfortably in one’s palm, and is handy for sticking together pieces of paper, a cop could easily mistake it for a stapler.

But I digress. Given their recent track record, I sure as hell wasn’t going to take the testimony of the Vancouver PD at face value. And so, that very night, I paid an undercover visit to the notorious Fox Cinema.

* * *

I attended the Fox Cinema in plain clothes between 9:10pm and 11:45pm on Wednesday March 25. Upon entering the theatre (which is, interestingly, next door to a place called “Wang On Blinds”) I sat down in a central aisle seat and waited for my eyes to adjust.

On the big screen, an African-American man and woman were making sweet love in glorious Super-VHS. The sound was turned down low—so low that I could just hear the faint sounds of wanking all around me, like the furiously beating wings of a distant flock of Vaseline-drenched birds. Yes, naughty things were afoot in this place, which appeared to contain between nine and twelve other men—an accurate head-count was difficult as some patrons were lying on the floor.

It didn’t take long to verify some aspects of the police report. There were indeed men performing sexual acts, both on themselves and each other, in plain sight. There was what appeared to be a naked female prostitute and client up in the balcony area (getting kicked out of the balcony area, in fact).

And I was quickly “approached and propositioned” by a short, chubby gentleman who fixed me with a distinctly pervy stare and stated, in a rough, thickly-accented voice: “Suck-ehh, suck-ehh.” I declined with a polite wave, and he courteously left me alone for the rest of the evening.

Contrary to the police report, however, there was no detectable “overwhelming unpleasant pungent odour,” and although I did my best to locate “puddles of body fluids and excrement,” none could be found. Not even in the bathroom, which to my surprise was clean, brightly lit, and contained no copulating mammals whatsoever.

As for smoking, at least four patrons were enthusiastically smoking what appeared to be crack cocaine. Surprisingly, no one was smoking marijuana, or even tobacco—until the disturbing incident that I shall now relate.

It started innocently enough. A handsome male in his late twenties sat down across the isle from me, pulled his penis out of his pants and proceeded to pump said penis with the relaxed, confident strokes of a man who clearly loves the journey at least as much as the destination. Verily, this guy really knew how to masturbate, and he wanted me to know it too.

The stroking went on for perhaps 15 or 20 minutes, and then suddenly, like an elysian epileptic crushing a cream-filled pastry in an involuntarily clenching fist, he ejaculated. He then produced a tissue from his pocket and cleaned himself up, leaving behind no puddles of body fluids. Or excrement.

But then, this model masturbator did something frankly appalling. With his spent, flaccid member still poking languidly out of his pants, he leaned back contentedly in his seat and pulled from his pocket not a crack pipe but a tobacco cigarette. Which he casually placed between his lips and lit with a butane lighter.

“My god,” I thought, my face flushing with indignant anger. “He’s smoking in here. Disgusting.”

Unbelievably, none of the assembled wankers, cocksuckers, crackheads and voyeurs took umbrage at this rogue tobacco smoker. (Maybe they were all out-of-towners. I don’t know.) So I didn’t say anything. I just gave him a dirty look, got up, and left.

In conclusion, the VPD’s claims of health hazards at the Fox are exaggerated and/or out of date. The cops think the place is a sewer, but I think any reasonable person would agree that it’s merely a gutter. And there’s nothing wrong with a gutter so long as it gets hosed down—with water, I mean—every now and then. I also think the police should refrain from molesting the Fox’s patrons, as they’re already doing a pretty good job of molesting each other.

Additional visits (and perhaps even some selective audience participation) may be needed to produce a more comprehensive report, but based on my current observations I would advise the city not to revoke the Fox Cinema’s business licence. Indeed, the Fox is the only movie house in town—except perhaps the Scotiabank Theatre—where you can casually pull out your johnson and stroke it without fear of being escorted from the premises. And if we lose that, a lot of Vancouverites will stop coming to the movies.