* * *
“Barkeep, give me a pint of your worst beer.”
“No, that’s your cheapest beer. Your worst beer should be ridiculously expensive and taste horrible.”
That’s quite a stern copyright notice to start the show. Do they really think it’ll deter anyone?
Let the propaganda begin!
As expected, lots of fawning attention is being paid to Canada’s soldiers in Afghanistan. Is it a coincidence that the Olympics coincides with one of our biggest-ever military offensives over there? Go Canada!
I miss the old peacekeeping focus. We used to peace-keep, now we war-make.
Funny that Canada boycotted the 1980 Moscow Olympics because of Russia’s occupation of Afghanistan. Now we occupy Afghanistan, and even boast about it in our Olympic pre-show.
Love those beauty shots of Vancouver. I can feel my rent going up just watching them.
Didn’t get a good look at the snowboarder who jumped through the Olympic rings. Was he Ross Rebagliati? I am pleasantly reminded of the time I slept with him. [Turned out he wasn’t Ross.]
And there’s Governor General Michaëlle Jean, representing the Queen. Or perhaps the Borg Queen, considering Jean’s metallic garb.
Right now millions of Canadians are wondering, “Why the hell are we hearing God Save the Queen before our national anthem?” If we’re so proud of ourselves, isn’t it time to make the Queen an ex we maintain perfectly pleasant relations with?
The RCMP are carrying the Canadian flag into the stadium. Resist temptation to go to a cheap taser joke.
Canadian Forces Honour Guard raises the flag. Resist temptation to go to a cheap serial killer joke.
Nikki Yanovsky just threw down one of the schmaltziest renditions of O Canada I’ve heard.
“I feel like I’m in church.”
“Then why don’t you sit at another table?”
Head of State status for the First Nations leaders? Oh, come on. This has got to be one of the grandest token gestures of all time.
So many First Nations performers! Can’t shake the feeling I’m watching brightly-coloured puppets dancing on strings. I hope at least one First Nations leader will go off-script and denounce the Olympics.
If I were First Nations, I’d see the Hudson’s Bay Company on the list of Olympic sponsors and think, “Something tells me this Olympics thing can’t be all good.”
And now, the gladiators! Drawn like moths to an Olympic flame. Get a good look at them now; they won’t all be here at the end.
This is nothing less than a feting of the finest DNA in the world. Vancouver sluts, start your genitals!
Sluts please note: it is possible to sleep with an entire Olympic team, especially the teams with only one athlete.
Ghana’s one athlete is smug, casually chewing gum, looks like the cat that ate the canary. I get the feeling he’s just here to get laid. And he will. Good on him.
Wow, only three athletes from India, a country with over a billion people. And ready access to the Himalayas. Maybe they’re pulling an unCanada and putting what resources they have into solving their social problems?
And here’s the Israeli Winter Olympic team! Shlalom!
Frontiers of advertising! Can we get our logo on the Olympic torch? On the flags of the participating nations? Tattooed on the athletes’ faces? Yes, temporary ink is fine. For now.
TRIBALISM.
Clearly, some Olympians are real characters. Lots of attitude queens out there.
How lovely it must be to be watching the ceremony from, say, Slovakia House, and watch the Slovak team’s entrance get pre-empted by an ad break. What respect!
I must watch at least one Super Bowl in its entirely before I can claim to understand Americans.
Humans are hardly an honourable bunch. But we try. Some of us.
Team Canada. Every stitch they’re wearing available at The Bay!
“They’re cheering in Whistler, they’re cheering in Kanadahar....” I mean, Kandahar.
Bryan Adams and Nellie Furtado: PAINFULLY banal pop song. What would the Canadian mosaic be without such mediocrity?
Picked up by the remote mind scanner: “Wow, those Canadians must *really* need our sperm if they’re willing to degrade themselves like that.”
I wish I could sing in heels.
Ah, the comforting paternal voice of Donald Sutherland, Canada’s white Morgan Freeman.
LED Coca-Cola spirit bear! Coca Cola is SO lucky that its corporate colours match the colours of Canada’s flag.
Cracking ice separates the First Nations peoples! How archetypical! Tower of Babel, biotches!
Do you ever leave yourself phone messages?
Whales, seals, salmon, Cathedral Grove! Vancouver Island in da house!
That’s supposed to be Cathedral Grove? Where are the Winnebagos?
The phrase “Ontarians are just the white people between Quebec and the prairies” is wrong in so many ways.
Ashley MacIsaac, representin’ for the queers!
Ashley MacIsaac is madly air-fiddling. I am pleasantly reminded of the time I interviewed him 14 years ago. Surprised they used him, seeing that he has run amok during past performances.
Witness the colonization of humanity’s greatest aspirations by the most black-hearted manipulators imaginable.
Are those aerial dancers Cirque du Soleil performers? If so, they aren’t showing enough skin.
Come on, Glen. You really shouldn’t worry about snot so far up.
I am swept away in an adolescent snowboarder’s zero-G rock-n-roll fantasy.
Slam poet Shane Koyczan! Holy shit! I guess the Molson “I am Canadian” rant guy was booked.
Flipped to the CBC. Commercial for The Lang and O’Leary Exchange. Flipped back. God bless the channels no one is watching.
Billions watching around the world? Whatever.
I am keenly aware of my body’s deterioration.
You can get away with broadcasting almost anything so long as you preface it with “We debated whether we should broadcast this....”
As expected, here’s Michael Bublé.... wait, it’s the dyke-tastic k.d. lang, representin’ for the queers!
I’d never join an elite that would have me as an elite member.
The Olympic Hymn. What ugliness. Only the most venal aristocrat would enjoy it, and that’s only for reasons of sadism.
Athlete’s oath girl, don’t you get caught doping! The cheaters must love those speeches about how pure-hearted and virtuous they are. Sadly, 30 athletes were not available to take the athletes’ oath due to being caught doping. Already.
The judge who took the judges’ oath should have been a figure skating judge, not short-track. They need the cred.
And then a sad song after the oaths, as if anticipating the doping and judging scandals to come.
Rick Hansen is obviously high on E, but I feel totally okay about that. Because I am too.
1948 Olympic champion Barbara Ann Scott: G-MILF of the year! Rawr.
Major technical glitch! Arrgh!
Hey, it's Superman’s Fortress of Solitude!
What an interminable Chevrolet commercial the Great One’s trek through downtown Vancouver is. This being “The Greenest Olympics,” you’d expect Gretzky’s conveyance to be a cutting-edge zero-emission vehicle. But no. Another potentially lovely moment tainted by the stench of corporate evil.
Colour commentator Brian “not the American Brian Williams” Williams just made a colourful comment about the Olympic torch relay being used to promote Nazi Germany’s “twisted and bigoted, racist beliefs.” Hey, that’s why we pay him the big bucks.
And so ends the longest domestic torture relay in Olympic history....
Ooo, there’s that stern copyright notice again. Only a fool messes with The Consortium.
Oh, now they’re playing a nostalgic clip montage... of the show we just finished watching a minute ago. Keep in mind that there are people with Alzheimer’s in the audience. But they're probably asleep by now.
I have a strange compulsion to change the note above my mail slot from “NO JUNK MAIL PLEASE” to “EXTRA JUNK MAIL PLEASE”.
Do I believe? Considering all the funding and research and development and extra practice time on the Olympic courses, at least one Canadian gold on Canadian soil isn’t much of a maple leap....
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1 comments:
About half the things you thought I thought, and half the things you thought I should have thought, and the rest of the things you thought I would never have thought.
You forgot or failed to mention that Rogge and Furlong and Campbell and Harper will hang. Or shall hang. Whichever one means that they will.
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