Snubbing Toews

In this week's Savage Love, Dan Savage slams the sexual hypocrisy of Vic Toews, an anti-queer Canadian Conservative MP:

Canada's unofficial "Minister of Family Values," member of parliament Toews—surprise!—doesn't like the gays because we're a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic "Black Masses," and insisted that adding gays and lesbians to existing Canadian civil rights statutes would bring the "jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people."

You know where this is going, right?

It turned out that Toews—who once warned that gay marriage could lead to polygamy—was cheating on his wife of 25 years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous jackboots, but by yet another straight "Christian" bigot slamming his dick into someone who isn't his wife.

Toews's affair became public two years ago, but the scandal didn't destroy him—he became minister of public safety this January—because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews's affair and divorce were private. Excuse me, Canadian-press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other people are out to destroy his marriage, can't be allowed to hide behind "my private business!" when it turns out that the only threat to the politician's marriage was the politician's own greasy cock.

One day, straight folks everywhere are going to realize that anti-gay ravers come in two flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Joseph Ratzinger, et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, Vic Toews, et al.).

Finally: Toews is pronounced "taves," and it seems to me that it should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.

And so, Dan Savage challenged Canadians to create a Canadian version of santorum, the filthy sexual neologism his readers coined to ridicule anti-queer Republican senator Rick Santorum.

As fate would have it, a snappy definition for "toews" occurred to me within seconds, so I fired off the following missive to Savage Love HQ:

Read your call for an appropriately nasty definition for "toews", and the answer came into my little Canadian head like a horny beaver humping a moose jaw.

toews ('teivz) n.pl. the itchy, painful rash that breaks out on a dick head due to an allergic reaction to a condom.

This is not to be confused with capital-T Toews, a painful, reactionary dickhead who evidently has a certain itch, and a condom allergy of his own.

Great Lover Every Night

I think this puppy could be a contender. Let's see if it gets anywhere, shall we?